Adaptivity & Resilience: Defusing with Dr. Vaneeta Sandhu
In This Episode
How do we help ourselves and others regain a locus of control and figure out our needs when our minds are spinning? Learn the leadership skill of defusing in this episode.
Transcript
Vanessa Tanicien, narrating: Hello there, and thanks for joining us at The LeaderLab, powered by LifeLabs Learning. We study what exceptional leaders do differently and bring you a new, powerful tipping point skill every week. The smallest changes that make the biggest impact in the shortest time. I'm your host, Vanessa Tanicien. I'm a Facilitator at LifeLabs Learning and a leadership development nerd. So let's be honest, we're in a world of uncertainty and ambiguity right now.
Vanessa Tanicien: This month, we're going to be focusing on skills not only for building our own resilience, but how to help build resilience in others. So the theme, adaptivity and resilience. Because honestly listeners, how busy or drained are you feeling? Yep, I am right there with you. What feels especially exhausting is that our minds are spinning and having a million thoughts an hour. The skill we'll be talking about today is diffusing, a skill that helps reduce that overwhelm and build up our resilience.
Vanessa Tanicien: If you're wondering what the hell I generally mean by diffusing, good news is that we got an expert to break it all down for us, including how to integrate this skill into our leadership style so we're approaching problem solving with clarity and curiosity. Our guest today is Dr. Vaneeta Sandhu, part of the LifeLabs community. She's a treasure and who also happens to be a Clinical Psychologist and Researcher. And in any conversation, she's probably going to be the person who curses most. So welcome Vaneeta, I am so excited to be talking about diffusing with you today.
Dr. Vaneeta Sandhu: Oh, thanks Vanessa. Also, hell yeah cursing. I want to do it all the time now. Now, I want to just say that the problem that we often have here is that you and I, everyone listening, we put so much weight into every single thought that we have. Not all of our thoughts deserve all that attention y'all. So the key with diffusing your thoughts is you want to separate yourself from your thoughts to reduce that overwhelm. So I can keep talking about it, but Vanessa, I promise you it's way more fun to try it out rather than having to explain it.
Vanessa Tanicien: You're scaring me already.
Dr. Vaneeta Sandhu: Well, so earlier you shared that your mind is spinning. And when I think about this, this is a skill that could also come in handy for you. So this calls for some real talk and an experiment. Vanessa, you down?
Vanessa Tanicien: Let's do it.
Dr. Vaneeta Sandhu: Okay. Let's dive right in here. So what I want you to do, and listeners out there, you can do it at the same time, is Vanessa, take a moment to write down some of the worries that your brain is having today. Just like 30 seconds or so.
Vanessa Tanicien: That's all I get? Okay. I can do that.
Dr. Vaneeta Sandhu: Okay. Just writing down whatever's top of mind.
Vanessa Tanicien: I'll keep the existential worries off the list so it's manageable.
Dr. Vaneeta Sandhu: Okay. Now Vanessa, you're looking at me like, why the hell did you make me do all this and write all this down? Now, on a discomfort scale of one to ten, so ten being get me the hell out of this conversation with Vaneeta, and one being you have Hawaii vibes, you're relaxing. What are you when you look at those thoughts on a scale of one to ten?
Vanessa Tanicien: I'm thinking about a seven.
Dr. Vaneeta Sandhu: Okay. Yeah. So even being a seven, not so fun, because these thoughts can stress us out, worsen our mood, even demotivate us. So stick with me here, a couple more steps, Vanessa. So first step, boom, write down your worries. Second step is where the diffusion comes in. So when looking at your list, Vanessa, I want you to add a brief phrase before each item on the list. And the phrase is, "My brain is having the thought that." So if you're comfortable, I'd love to hear a couple of examples. What you got, Vanessa?
Vanessa Tanicien: My brain is having the thought that the podcast may not go well. This is something we put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into so I'm kind of freaking out about that. My brain is having the thought that I don't want to let down my team. My brain is having the thought that the quarantine 15 is real and I need to do something about that. Yeah, a couple of things.
Dr. Vaneeta Sandhu: Yeah. Yeah. No, thanks for sharing those. I mean, here's the thing, just a slight shift is what we did to distance ourselves from the thought by adding that phrase. But we're going to keep building here for our last step. So now looking at each item on your list within those three you just shared, I want you to identify, what's the underlying need in that thought? So for example, you mentioned your brain is worried about letting down the team. What's the need that you have there would you say?
Vanessa Tanicien: I would say that the need there is to be a high value contributor and to make sure that I am perceived as competent consistently with my team I would say.
Dr. Vaneeta Sandhu: Yeah. No, that makes sense. A lot of us want that for us and our teams. Now, what would you say are other ways that you can meet that need? Meaning, what are ways that you can also increase the probability that your team will be seeing you as competent?
Vanessa Tanicien: I guess one of the things that comes to mind, and this is something that we're obsessed with at LifeLabs and talk about all the time, is asking for feedback, pulling for it along the way. So that way the podcast actually has more hands in the pie than just me or just you or whomever.
Dr. Vaneeta Sandhu: So smart.
Vanessa Tanicien: So getting some more insight there.
Dr. Vaneeta Sandhu: So smart. Ask for it along the way, you get the team's feedback, you know how they're seeing you, if it's competent or not. So finding the need opens up options. Here's why it matters what you just did. [inaudible 00:05:49] colleagues, basically Georgia State and Utah State Universities combine their powers to do some research around diffusion. And what they found is that when folks do what you just did, not only does it reduce emotional discomfort they have with the thought, but it also reduces the believability of the thought. Made us believe less. And so, as someone who's pretty proud of you, Vanessa, for taking the lead on this podcast, I sure would love for you to believe that competence negative thought less.
Dr. Vaneeta Sandhu: But the worry here is that if you continue to be overwhelming ourselves, you could procrastinate on this podcast project, right? You might take up way too much time and hell, it might even demotivate you so you don't even want to do the damn podcast. So, okay. So now that we've extracted the need, discomfort scale again, one to ten Vanessa, where would you say you are now?
Vanessa Tanicien: You mean like looking at the list of worries where am I at?
Dr. Vaneeta Sandhu: Yeah. Now that we've separated, we've done some diffusion and you've looked at your thoughts and your needs.
Vanessa Tanicien: Honestly, I'd probably say about a five. It's a funny thing that just actually saying something out loud and attaching some logic around it, like my brain is having the thought that or what have you, has diffused it just a bit more for me. So thank you.
Dr. Vaneeta Sandhu: Nice. Well, my work here is done.
Vanessa Tanicien: Well, there you have it folks. Now we're going to turn this over to you. At the end of each episode of The LeaderLab Podcast, we're going to provide you with a little experiment for you to take into your laboratory of life. So Vaneeta, what should they do?
Dr. Vaneeta Sandhu: Yeah. I'd suggest creating an if then rule for yourself. So if I'm feeling worried, then say, "My brain is having the thought that," and find the need. It's best if you start with yourself first, right, if you're the one who's overwhelmed. But if you notice this in your team as well, ask questions to get to their needs. This really will allow everyone to approach problem solving more clearly and strategically.
Vanessa Tanicien: Thank you, Vaneeta, for your time and your expertise.
Dr. Vaneeta Sandhu: Thanks for having me.
Vanessa Tanicien: It was so awesome to have you here. Honestly, I could talk to you every week if I could. And thank you everyone who's listening for joining us today at LeaderLab. Be sure to subscribe so you don't miss an episode and leave us a review and spread the word so we can all benefit from having more great leaders in the world. And share your questions and insights with us on Twitter or on Instagram @LifeLabsLearning. And remember to join us next week, where we'll be going through the next tipping point skill to help you be more adaptive and resilient. See you next time.
