Summary: Third-party feedback, when information passes through someone else instead of going directly to the source, creates confusion and mistrust. Use these four strategies to prevent triangulation and coach your team toward a culture of direct, effective feedback.
What is feedback triangulation (and why is it toxic)?
We all know to beware of the drama triangle and the love triangle. But did you know the feedback triangle is equally dangerous?
Imagine this common scenario. You manage a team of sales representatives. One of your direct reports, Romeo, is working closely with Juliet from the engineering team on a new product feature. Romeo comes to you and tells you that Juliet missed a deadline, the release has been pushed back, and the client is thinking about going to your competitor. You, trying to help, take matters into your own hands and approach Juliet to resolve the issue. You tell Juliet:
“I heard you might have missed a deadline on a project with my team. Is there anything going on I should know about? What can I do to help?”
While well-intentioned, you’ve just created conditions for a toxic culture. With three out of four people saying they have worked or are currently working in a toxic workplace, and over half reporting they’ve left a job because of it, it’s clear how damaging these dynamics can be.
Here’s what’s going on behind the scenes: Juliet is now wondering who is gossiping about her behind her back and is suspicious of your whole team. Juliet is pretty sure this came from Romeo, but what if someone else is in on it, too? Romeo is also suspicious of your intentions. Romeo told you something you didn’t observe, and then you trafficked in hearsay when you told Juliet. If you’ll go to Juliet with something like this, what might you be saying about Romeo behind his back? And on and on.
Voila, a toxic culture where no one is giving direct feedback, everyone is wary of each other, and working relationships are broken.
This is a classic feedback triangulation situation, and not only doesn’t it work, but the feedback isn’t going to stick because the recipient doesn’t know or trust the source, and it’s too vague to be useful. At LifeLabs Learning, we see triangulation show up frequently in performance conversations. While it may come from good intentions, it usually creates more problems than it solves. The antidote: equip employees to give and receive feedback directly.
4 ways to handle third-party feedback without hurting trust
1. Coach employees to give feedback directly
The best way to handle this is to coach Romeo to provide direct feedback to Juliet. Use the LifeLabs Learning SOON Funnel to figure out what success looks like in Romeo’s words, and then ask questions to identify and overcome obstacles to providing direct feedback. Walk Romeo through a feedback framework and offer to role-play to increase his confidence in having the conversation.
Pro Tip: If Romeo is reluctant to give Juliet direct feedback because he’s her peer, ask him: “Romeo, imagine if you were in Juliet’s position. Would you rather that Juliet come to me or you first to resolve this?”
2. Mediate a feedback conversation between teammates
If direct feedback feels too difficult, the second approach in your toolbox is to mediate the conversation. This means joining Romeo and for the discussion, and framing it by explaining your intentions: you’re there to facilitate direct feedback, to ensure all perspectives are heard, and that a solution that works for everyone is reached. Plus, you can share a leadership perspective when systemic issues come up.
Pro Tip: An offshoot of this strategy is to get Romeo’s permission to share his name and the feedback, and have a 1-1 conversation with you and Juliet. The key here is to say that Romeo is eager to speak directly with Juliet to close the loop, and you wanted Juliet to have a chance to share her thoughts with you first.
3. Observe and share feedback yourself
Let’s say that Romeo really, really, really doesn’t want to provide direct feedback to Juliet. Maybe the relationship between sales and engineering is fractured for a variety of systemic reasons, or maybe Romeo has gone down that path before, and Juliet has resisted the feedback. Since the goal of feedback is to improve performance, change a behavior, and/or help someone grow, you can still accomplish these goals without Romeo. Pay closer attention to how Juliet collaborates with the sales team, and when you notice a missed deadline, provide specific, actionable feedback to Juliet.
Pro Tip: Don’t bring in feedback from anyone else. Instead of saying, “I noticed you didn’t send the agreed-upon deliverable by [date], and this has also been mentioned to me by others…,” say, “I noticed you didn’t [xyz] by [date].” Sharing “and others” immediately raises red flags (triangulation! toxic culture alert!), making Juliet less likely to trust the feedback or want to work with your team in the future.
4. Use perception feedback as a last resort
Your absolute last resort is to have a perception conversation with Juliet. If you believe this behavior is hindering Juliet’s growth and impacting the team’s working relationship, as well as potentially affecting the customer (internal or external), address it. It may be in Juliet’s best interest to receive the feedback, despite the drawbacks of anonymous, triangulated feedback.
This means that you tell Juliet, “I haven’t observed this myself, but there is a perception that you missed a deadline. I know this might be hard to hear since I’m unable to point to specific examples, and my intent in this conversation is to explore your perspective and figure out a way that, together, we can correct this perception.”
Pro Tip: To determine if the benefit of Juliet changing this behavior outweighs the risks of triangulation, consider the impact of the behavior. What are the individual, team, and organizational consequences?
How to prevent triangulation from the start
The most effective way to avoid triangulation is to build a direct feedback culture. At LifeLabs Learning, we’ve found that organizations with the fewest triangulation issues are the ones where employees pull for feedback frequently, across levels, across teams, and in many different ways.
How do you do this? Start at the top. When executives model openness to feedback, this behavior quickly scales across the organization. Two easy places to pull for feedback are in every 1-1 and in every cross-functional project meeting (What’s working well? What could be 10% better?).
Pro Tip: Follow up with people who gave you feedback to share what you were able to implement. Doing so lets people know their feedback was helpful, and motivates them to provide additional input in the future.
Back to Romeo and Juliet. You now have the tools at your disposal to avoid a tragic Shakespearean ending. When triangulation happens on your team, follow the triangulation-busting options!
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Frequently Asked Questions
What is triangulation in feedback?
It’s when feedback comes through a third party instead of directly from the source. For example, if one employee complains to a manager who then relays it without coaching direct dialogue.
Why does third-party feedback create toxic culture?
Because it triggers suspicion and gossip. People focus on who said what instead of how to improve, which reduces trust and collaboration.
What’s the best way to respond to triangulated feedback as a manager?
Coach the employee to give feedback directly. If that’s not possible, observe the behavior yourself or mediate a conversation to avoid hearsay.
What’s the best way to coach employees to give feedback directly?
Clarify success using the LifeLabs Learning SOON Funnel, then role-play. This reduces fear and helps employees feel prepared to deliver feedback constructively.
When should I mediate feedback conversations?
Step in when relationships are strained or when one party feels uncomfortable speaking directly. Mediation helps ensure the feedback is delivered safely and that all perspectives are heard.
Is there ever a time when third-party feedback is appropriate?
Only as a last resort, in the form of a perception conversation. This should be handled carefully, with transparency and focus on growth rather than blame.
How do I prevent triangulation in my organization?
Model feedback-seeking as a leader, embed feedback into regular meetings, and celebrate when people act on feedback. Over time, this builds a culture where direct conversations are the norm.
